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YA Story In Progress? - Chapter One

PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 9:39 pm
by crit28551
Something I've started working on. Any opinions or tips appreciated! :)

Of Fire And Ice
By Kristen Crawford
Chapter One

I make my way down the quiet streets, pulling my jacket closer to me as a chilly autumn breeze blew through, hitting my face dead on. Winter was right around the corner and Mother Nature let everyone know it. My college classmate, Lindsay, had invited me for coffee at Starbucks that morning. Being the caffeine addicts we are, I couldn’t say no.
Entering the shop warms me immediately as the door closes behind me. I scan the room slowly.
I look towards the voice, a slim, bubbly blue-eyed blonde waving her arm to grab my attention. I smile and head towards her, taking my place in the opposite side of the booth from which she sat.
“Hey, Lindsay. You haven’t gotten your coffee yet?”
“I didn’t want to seem impolite.” she said. “Thought it would be more fun to stand in the line together.”
“I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long. You know how it is in this weather. So hard to know what to wear.”
“This weather? Girl, I’d say that’s an everyday thing!”
“That’s for sure.” I agree, a slight chuckle in my voice.
Moments later, we both stand in line, about three or four in front of us, a couple more behind.
“So what are you doing after exams?”
“Ugh…don’t even say that word!” I hated exams. Tests in general. Sure, I had a 4.0 GPA, and I liked my teachers and most of my classes. But that doesn’t mean I liked everything about them.
Lindsay smiled. “You know I had to. Being so close to vacation time.” I roll my eyes at her. “So? What will you be doing?”
“I dunno. My parents are always working so I’ll probably just be spending it alone.”
“That’s no fun! Maybe you can do a bit of guy hunting to pass the time.”
I roll my eyes again at her smirk. I’d had many boyfriends through the years, but they never stuck. And I wasn’t about to try again anytime soon. After placing our orders and given our drinks, we prepare them to our tastes and head back to our booth in silence.

Re: YA Story In Progress? - Chapter One

PostPosted: Tue Feb 05, 2013 10:02 pm
by crit28872
It looks like most of your chapter wasn't posted. But here are a couple comments on the tiny bit I could find.

For such a short entry, you've done well making the characters distinct. You might work a little more on character development, though, just to be sure the one voice doesn't bleed into the other. Again, this is really short, so it's hard to say much. However, you could tighten it up. Some description (how many are in line, fixing coffee to their taste) doesn't add anything. Try sticking to text that forwards the story.

Re: YA Story In Progress? - Chapter One

PostPosted: Mon Aug 07, 2017 3:12 pm
by crit33622
I like how you start with a dialogue. The characters are distinct though it would be really nice to throw us into some sort of conflict from the start to keep the reader reading to find the answer. It doesn't have to be something huge. I look forward to seeing more of your posts.