Newbie writer hoping for review and suggestions

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Newbie writer hoping for review and suggestions

Postby Syntaer » Mon Jan 02, 2017 7:02 pm

Hi there, I'm in the middle of a fiction with a very interesting setting, but I'm a newbie writer myself and in dire need of advise and suggestions. 8-)

The theme is adventure/fantasy/science fiction.
The time is in the far far future.
The place is in a galaxy far away from here.

The world has evolved and different species from different galaxies have met, fought conquered, and merged with each other, prospered, and some gradually declined away.

I will post the first chapter of the book here, hoping for criticism, advice or suggestions, on writing style, theme or anything else. :)

So here it goes:



No other word can describe it better.

I cannot take my eyes off the magnificent sight, mesmerized and terrified at the same time.

The entire sky is filled with a firework of luminous spores exploding out of their holding pods and gliding down the towering trees like glowing clouds.

The sky behind it all is deep purple, but at the horizon it’s turning to fiery red because of the imminent dawn.

The spores are gradually spreading and descending toward me and suddenly I’m jolted out of my trance! What am I waiting for?

I have to reach the village before the spores surround it and the village is not in sight, but I know my way around here. It was my childhood playground.

Running toward the village, instinctively watching my steps, I remember playing with other kids on the top of these huge intertwisted branches, learning to avoid accidents.

I remember how I tried to mingle with my playmates, but I was different and this fact was always a big barrier between us.

I do not even know my real name. Here I’m called “Duvainor” which in ancient local dialect means god-send.

I was a celebrity from the cradle because I am the only local Druvvak as far as I know, and the Druvvak race is like royalty for the native Ezollaid race.

I have paler skin and leaner body with long supple limbs and slim fingers. I am more graceful in my actions, expressions and speech, and I have keener senses of sight and smell and a more logical mind, as I have found out.

I’m told that I have a darker skin with more muscle and strength than a regular Druvvak, no doubt because of my upbringing, and I am probably less graceful.

The spores are almost half way down from the tree tops! Why did I wander so far?

Tonight I was too excited to sleep so I stepped out of the temple, aimlessly wandering around, thinking about the upcoming grand celebration and my own initiation.

Every few years, the spore pods growing on top of the tallest Mberthorne trees would become ripe for discharge, and one night when the sky is lighting up by the imminent dawn, they suddenly and almost simultaneously burst open releasing their content, generating one of the most beautiful scenes in the star system.

The villagers call this phenomenon “Starburst” and have developed ways to capture most of the spores that engulf their village for later usage, and during that event, they gather together for a grand celebration, which would last for a few days until all the spores are gathered.

The initiation rite happens right after any festive event in the village whenever some of the village kids have reached the brink of adulthood and this time I will attend it as one of the Cuivales and will officially become an adult Druvvak.

After that, I will be able to have my very first body enhancement which I already own. It was with me when they first found me in my floating cradle zooming toward the village from the direction of the highlands.

The cradle was charged with nine hundred galactic credits and a message, offering the credits to anyone who would raise me to adulthood and after my initiation, enhance my head with the accompanying Mutacell.

There was some additional data stored in the cradle, which should be something important. I have already stored the data in my internal data banks, but I cannot access it until after my initiation.

Ah yes, I can see the village’s outer shacks now! This is a beautiful village, “Fremacryn”, built over the branches of the colossal Mberthorne trees in the dark woods of Kledyss, located on Vaerun, the second moon of Atapalurin, the fifth planet of Gamma.Pi.Uzarra system.

The trees have layered branches and thick leaves that can grow larger than two men alongside. The leaves turn hard as they grow until they become fixed in the place, and supported by the branches below them, they can tolerate village shacks over them with no problem, but sometimes the villagers carve their homes inside the tree trunks for more safety.

The village shacks are built over different branch layers at different heights, but all of this is called the first layer and this village is a first layer village, which means that we can see the sky clearly overhead and there is no major layer of branches over our heads.

Toward the north I can see a towering wall of brown cliffs not too far away, full of holes and caverns of different sizes at different heights. The dull brown stone is sprinkled with tiny veins of colorful minerals from shiny orange to deep blue.

The villagers call that jagged plateau “Foramundo” and have cleared the nearby caverns of any threat, to a distance, and have dug intertwisted mine shafts in the stone wall, mostly abandoned.

From time to time, dangerous critters might approach the village from the deep down branches of the caverns, so traps are laid and guards are stationed at strategic chambers in the stone wall.

Finally! This is the central hub of the village, around the biggest spore tree in the area.

Carved inside the central trunk, there are several official chambers, like the Galae chambers where the ceremonies take place, Harmandor chambers where they gather to make big decisions about the village and the villagers, and also the mysterious Olvaendo chamber which I do not know about, more than the name.

The village temple, where I live with mother diviner is built on top of the central chambers, and has two doorways for entrance.

The main doorway is on the level of most village shacks and the other doorway opens much higher, near the height of the highest shacks, and from there I can watch the entire valley in front of me without much obstacles in the way. It is a great view!

Vaalya! People are cheering. The spores have already reached the top shacks of the village and my head has begun to throb because of the smell.

I have to retreat to my private chamber, before I choke on this nasty scent, which seems to make the native folk light headed and merry, but its only effect on me is a prolonged unconsciousness which I am falling into right now.
Name: Syntaer Sulime
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Jan 02, 2017 4:18 am

Re: Newbie writer hoping for review and suggestions

Postby crit19292 » Wed Jan 04, 2017 11:27 pm

Well, it does seem to have a well developed setting. I was also glad to notice that you did work to describe the character, although it would help to state male or female. Those are good points.

I am not in favor of the broken style of narration. I enjoy settling with a story and allowing the events to flow through my mind. What you have I find jarring and not something I would tolerate for long. Of course, that is just me.

For a novel I would also suggest some type of tease as to what the plot will be. While the character and setting seem interesting, I am not one to enjoy simply living someone else's life. I want a plot that will motivate me to learn about the character and setting in order to fully appreciate the predicaments that need to be figured out.

Okay, I hope that was a help. Thanks for posting.
I will not deny myself having my opinions.
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Name: Roby Ward
Posts: 186
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 1:53 pm
Location: North Louisiana

Re: Newbie writer hoping for review and suggestions

Postby crit33888 » Sun Oct 15, 2017 7:08 pm

I agree with Roby that you want to get to some kind of action or conflict more quickly. To me, this almost reads as notes for a novel, because it's so focused on setting and character and seems to temporarily lose focus on storytelling. This is full of good details, but these details should be revealed organically as the character moves through the world and story, not just spit out in huge chunks as an intro. Just my two cents. Hope this helps.
Name: J. Neff Lind
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Oct 15, 2017 4:26 pm
Location: Illinois

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