The Broken Realm Chapter 1

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The Broken Realm Chapter 1

Postby NoahPappas42 » Wed Dec 20, 2017 10:47 pm

I made a game based on the rules of Dungeons & Dragons that has a combination of Sci-Fi and Fantasy elements. I made a character for this game, and I am writing a backstory for him. I am a very new writer (this is my first time doing something like this) and I often have trouble getting my thoughts into words, so any critiques would be greatly appreciated.

Chapter 1:

A band of Wood Elves sprint through the vast mystical forests of Lodrioth, at a speed unmatched by any other humanoid species in the Galaxy. A gigantic lumbering monster has broken through the magical defenses of the Realm, and these six Rangers have been tasked with defeating it. As they follow the beast’s trail, searching for clues as to what exactly it is, a thunderous roar shakes the landscape, and many nearby trees explode with a flurry of birds who fly off into the distance, trying to escape whatever danger lurks in these forests.

The lead Ranger signs for the others to stop when the monster comes into their view. An enormous humanoid creature is thrashing angrily at nearby trees. It’s rough, rocky skin is peppered with arrows from Elves who could not escape the beast’s wrath. Its hands are soaked with the blood of creatures it has devoured, and when it turns around the Rangers can see its hideous face with elephant-like tusks and teeth larger than broadswords that still contain the bones of the wildlife that stood in its way. It stumbles around like a Dwarf after consuming too much mead, crushing all of the plant life that grew in this once peaceful forest.

“Pasalor, Syldri,” the lead ranger says in a hushed tone, “sneak around the left side and catch it off guard. Me and Sylkas will take it on the right.” “It’ll never see us coming,” Pasalor whispers back, as he and Eltro follow the leader’s orders without question. “Raloric, wait until we strike, then hit it with everything you have.” “And what should I do, Zin?” Silos asks in a respectful tone. “You stay back and try not to get yourself killed” Zinphine replies, before taking Sylkas around to flank the beast.

The monster thrashes about aimlessly while the Rangers prepare for a strike. The ambush has been set, and just as Zinphine prepares to release his arrow, a piercing screech penetrates the air as a drake comes into view, it soars over the forest, blasting powerful streams of fire down upon the pristine landscape. Standing on top of its back is a hulking demon, who swings his battleaxe through the air, opening a tear in space that unleashes a swarm of Imps from Oblivion.

The lead Ranger’s arrow releases as the monster is distracted, penetrating its knee and catching it off guard. It turns to face Zin, who smiles cockily as vines grow around the beast’s ankles. Syldi and Sylkas have summoned vines that continue to creep up its legs. The monster roars and tries to hit everything it sees, but before it can do any more damage, Raloric leaps from the tree he was waiting in, he transforms into a large creature resembling an ape, and he brings his fists down upon the beast’s skull. The monster falls to the ground, dazed and disoriented, but still very alive.

Raloric shifts back into Wood Elf form, and raises his blade above the monster’s eye. “No,” Zin says quietly, “Many of my kin have fallen to ogres such as this. I must be the one to vanquish this foul beast, to avenge my fallen comrades.” Raloric steps back and offers her his blade, but she draws her own. She slowly lowers the silver edge into the ogre’s eye, rotating the blade as it cuts deeper into its skull. The ogre starts to thrash in pain, but Syldi and Sylkas tighten their vines. Zinphine starts to press down harder and the blade cleanly penetrates the ogre’s brain, killing it immediately. The five Rangers gather around their fallen prey. “Where is Silos?” Raloric asks. The Rangers look around to try and find him. Zinphine growls in frustration and marches off into the forest to try to find him.

Silos dashes through the forest, following the gigantic drake. He runs into a group of lesser demons, who draw their weapons to attack. “They always think they have a chance.” Silos thinks to himself as he notches an arrow in his bow, not slowing down at all. He expertly rolls overtop of the first demon, and releases the arrow into the second one’s head. He uses his Wood Elf claws to slash the throat of the first demon, then kicks the third in the face, snapping its neck. He throws a knife into the fourth one’s stomach, then grabs the fifth by the neck and slams it into the ground.

Silos’ glowing yellow eyes nearly blind the demon, as he breaks one of its fingers. “How did you get here!?” The demon squeals in terror, but Silos snaps another finger and asks again. “We, we came here through a portal,” The demon screams in pain as Silos snaps another finger, this time taking it clean off. “I know that!” Silos yells, “How did your portal breach the defences?” The demon doesn’t say anything, but Silos quickly snaps another finger to make it talk.” “Th-the leader, h-h-he said they f-found another way,” “What other way?” Silos yells, snapping the thumb off of the demon’s other hand. The demon screams, and whispers “T-they found a b-box, a b-b-box than c-can make g-gates, magical gates t-to other w-worlds.” “Thank you for your cooperation,” Silos says as he snaps the demon’s neck. “Looks like I’m off to find a box.” Silos looks up to spot the drake, then rushes off into the woods to catch up.

Silos comes into a clearing, where he finds the armies of Lodrioth fighting off seemingly endless hordes of Oblivion monsters. The drake flies overhead, dive bombing the Wood Elves with powerful fire blasts. Silos fires a single arrow into the drake’s neck to get its attention. It screeches and flies towards Silos, blasting the ground below it with a powerful stream of fire. Silos turns and runs towards a large tree, then jumps into it. He quickly climbs around to the other side. Fire erupts around the sides of the tree, just barely avoiding Silos.

Silos climbs up the tree as fast as he can. The drake circles around and is now fixed on him. He pulls himself up onto a large branch and turns around to see the drake opening its mouth for a fire blast. Silos fires an arrow into its fire hole, blocking the flames. The drake dives down and uses the edge of its wing to slice the tree, but Silos is too fast. He leaps from the branch he was standing on and digs his claws into the drakes tail.

The drake soars through the air, trying to shake the Ranger off of its tail. Silos digs his claws deeper in, then takes one hand out, and pierces the drakes scales farther up. He takes out his other hand, and does the same. He continues to climb, while the drake does everything it can to shake him off.

Silos pulls himself up to the saddle where he is greeted by the hulking demon, who has already turned around in his saddle for the fight. It draws its weapon, and Silos does the same, digging into the drake’s scales with his clawed feet. The demon swings his battleaxe down at Silos, who barely manages to catch it with his blade. The demon laughs as he puts more pressure on Silos, bringing the axe blade only centimeters away from his face. Silos kicks the demon in the kneecap, knocking him off balance. He stabs it in the stomach, but it seems to have very little effect on it. The demon swings his battleaxe in a broad arc, just barely missing Silos’ head. Silos pulls his sword out of the demon, then slices one of its hands off. The demon howls in pain, then charges Silos. He slashes at the demon, slicing it in half. The demon’s legs both fall off of the drake, and its torso gets impaled on one of the drake’s spines. Silos leaves it there and and goes over to the drake’s head.

He sits in the saddle and draws his daggers. He slices off the top layer of the drake’s scales while it screams in pain and tries to shake him off. Silos uses his daggers to hack through the monster’s neck until he reaches the spine. He tries to saw through the bone, but it has no effect, “Looks like I’m going to have to do this the hard way,” Silos says as he throws his daggers to the ground. The drake has slowed down a lot now, but it still has enough strength to keep itself airbourne high above the clouds. Silos unsheathes his claws, and digs around the drake’s spinal cord. He wraps his hands around it and pulls as hard as he can, using his claws to dig into the bone. The drake starts to plummet as Silos pulls out its spine.

The drake descends from the clouds just as its spine detached from its skull. Now completely dead, the drake speeds up even more, diving straight towards a horde of demons. The demons scatter, trying desperately to get out of the way. When the drake hits the ground its entire body explodes, sending blood, bones, organs and tissue in all directions, completely soaking the nearby demons who were not crushed under its massive weight.

Silos lands beside the carcass, using a parachute to slow his decent. When the demons see who killed their drake, they flee in terror. Silos turns to see Zinphine and the other Rangers he left behind, and they do not look happy. “Where is Raloric?” Silos asks, concerned for his friend. “He thought the only way to kill a Chimera was to distract its goat head. He didn’t think the lion head would think he looked attractive.” Zinphine replied. “So he ran away with the Chimera’s lion part?” “No, Silos. It ate him.” Zin says bluntly, then she whispers a prayer to the gods of Aetherius.

“So what do we do now?” Pasalor asks quietly, “Now, we go for the portal.” Zin adjusts her face mask then explains her plan. “We should approach on foot to avoid drawing attention to ourselves. Then we get through the portal, find whatever is breaking our defences, and we destroy it.” The Rangers move quickly along the tree line, carefully avoiding hordes of demons. As they get closer to the portal, the sky becomes darker. The Rangers come up to a cliff that overlooks the gathering Oblivion monsters.

The Rangers look down upon the armies of Oblivion, where thousands of demons, furies, hydras, and many other monsters prepare for war. A gigantic portal is open to a Realm in Oblivion, and even more monsters wait on the other side. Demons roll out gigantic siege weapons as drakes fly overhead, searching for any targets to burn to a crisp.

“You guys brought your grappling hooks, right?” Zin asks as she pulls out her own. The other Rangers take out theirs, except for Sylkas who summons a vine to climb down with. “That works,” Zin lodges her hook into the rocks, and jumps down. “Let's do this quickly, I want to catch the game tonight.” The Rangers climb down the cliff face, being careful to not make any loud noises. When they get to the bottom, they crouch behind boulders and examine their surroundings.

“I don’t think there is any way to get to the gate without being spotted.” Silos draws his bow, but Zin stops him. “We could use those.” She points to a pile of nearby crates. “How are those supposed to help us get past an army of monsters?” “The demons are taking valuable resources that can only be found here. See that demon?” She points to a large demon who is pushing a cart full of crates back towards the gate. “They are bringing these crates through the gate.” “But even if we could get into the crates without being spotted, how do we know they aren’t going to put them out in the open?” Zin thinks for a second, then replies, “It is still our best bet for getting through their defences.” She moves out rom her hiding spot and ducks behind a crate.

Zinphine uses her sword to prop open the crate, then she takes out a plant and climbs inside. She gestures for the others to come, then does the same. Silos, Pasalor and Syldri follow Zin, and each get into a crate. Silos and Pasalor get into their crates, but Syldri waits for her brother to come. Sylkas slowly comes out from behind the rock, and then sprints to the crates. “Ranger!” A demon yells out when he spots Sylkas. A horde of nearby demons surround him with their weapons drawn, then more come and do the same to Syldri. “How many of you are there?” the lead demon asks Sylkas in a shrill voice. “Just us,” Sylkas replies cockily. “It ain’t hard to kill demons.”

The demons lunge forward to attack the two Rangers. Syldri vaults over top of a demon’s head to join her brother as he fights off the first few demons. He pushes the demons back when his sister comes, then she quickly finishes what her brother started with one good swipe. Sylkas kicks a demon in the leg, then stabs another in the stomach while Syldri parries a demon’s slash and decapitates it. They stand back to back as the demons charge at them, often only one or two at a time. They fend of the demons easily, until a flurry of arrow-like spines come from overhead. Sylkas grabs a demon and spins him around, blocking the spines with its body. Syldri tries to jump out of the way, but one of the spines pins her leg to the ground. A nearby demon hacks her arm off, and she screams in agony. The beast that launched the spines reveals itself. It is a manticore, a red lion-like creature with a tail that resembles a scorpions. It fires another flurry of spines towards the rangers.

“We have to help them,” Silos whispers to Zin. “No. If we reveal ourselves we will never close the gate.” Syldri lies still on the ground with a pool of blood forming below her. Manticore spines stick out of her legs, torso, and her head. “NO!” Sylkas charges towards the manticore, but a large demon tackles him to the ground. It puts its sword against his throat, and throws him to the ground.

“You Rangers think you can come here and defeat us? No! We will kill all of you long eared freaks and we will claim all of Lodrioth for Oblivion!” Sylkas gets up quickly and swings his sword at the demon, but it slices off his hand before he can finish the strike. The demons surround Sylkas, who is on the ground clenching the stump where his hand used to be. The demon grabs his sword off the ground, and it puts both blades against Sylkas’ neck. “We will defeat you, foul demon.” The demon tries to sliced off his head, but his crude sword does not go through. Sylkas screams in pain as it pulls its sword back out, and hacks off his head in three heavy swings. “Go search for more, the long ears always come in groups of… Uhh… One more than five!”

The demons search the area, but none of them think to look in the crates. The large demon who killed Sylkas grabs the crate Pasalor is hiding in, and places him on its cart. More demons come over and load more crates, including the ones that Silos and Zin are hiding in. Once all of the crates are loaded, the largest demon drags it towards the portal.
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NoahPappas42
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Re: The Broken Realm Chapter 1

Postby crit19292 » Thu Dec 21, 2017 11:54 am

Well, it depends on what you actually plan on doing with this. I am going to give you the full advice, then you can adjust for your own vision.

First, the 'thrashing angrily' part needs to be explained, shown. I am going mention the show/tell lecture later, but right now I do want to point out the vagueness of what the monster is doing. Give it a reason, however minor, in order to make the threat more real.

Okay, now I will give the show/tell lecture. Yes, there is a need for the 'be' verbs (if you do not know what they are, go get a little grammar lesson), but there is not a big need for 'be' verbs. You should spend your life as a writer attempting to avoid 'be' verbs.

Let me also recommend that you switch to past tense. Present tense is silly. I know it is a little popular right now, but in my opinion it is because there are a lot of simple-minded writers being encouraged. I prefer writers with a little more maturity, and with maturity comes the understanding that present tense is silly.

Finally, pick a narrator that your readers can relate to. Usually, that means first person, but it does not need to. Instead of just giving a step-by-step report on what happens, provide some bias, some commentary, that makes the narration entertaining. In other words, give your writing some personality.

Oh, I would also recommend starting your story at the start of the situation. Since you are focusing on the rangers, present them at the moment of learning of the trouble. This will allow you to start showing some of their personalities.

Okay, that should be some basic advice. I wish you well.
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crit19292
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Re: The Broken Realm Chapter 1

Postby NoahPappas42 » Fri Dec 22, 2017 1:42 am

Thank you so much for your advise. I will take everything you said and use it to make my story better!
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